Adult Sibling Rivalry
Sibling rivalry often lingersthrough adulthood.
By: Jane Mersky LederPage 1 of 7
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The new view holds that conflict is not the natural state of sibling relationships. Still, for a third of us, discord sown early endures for a lifetime
Karen Kalish made a new commitment: "I'm going to keep the communication open between my sister and me," the 44-year-old media consultant told me. "I will follow the rules... do whatever it takes to make our relationship work. You can be on it!"
That Karen's younger sister (an identical twin whose twin died within days of their premature birth) and Karen had never gotten along didn't seem to matter. Karen was willing to forget about the seven beloved pet parakeets her sister had let out the window, one at a time. She was ready to look beyond her sister's angry reminders. And she was able, she thought, to forgive her sister for turning their adult years into one explosion after another. "My sister is the gatekeeper to the nephews whom I adore," Karen said. " If they weren't there, I would probably give up."
That was three years ago, and I was interviewing Karen for a book on the sibling relationship. Today Karen has given up, finding herself at a "total loss as to how to smooth things out." At home in St. Louis for her father's funeral last spring, Karen, her sister, her brother, and her mother (divorced from their father years before) spent some time together. "I ceased to exist," Karen said. "I became wallpaper. No one talked to me. And, for once, I didn't feel any pain. It was like, 'Ah, so this is how it was with us.' I saw things the way they were and are, not the way I wished they were or could have been. Not long after, I resolved not to have anything to do with my sister or the rest of the family. I don't want it!"
While few adult siblings have severed their ties completely, approximately one-third of them describe their relationship as rivalrous or distant. They don't get along with their sibling or have little in common, spend limited time together, and use words like "competitive," "humiliating," and "hurtful" to depict their childhoods. The speed with which old conflicts reduce these adults to children again prevents them from seeing one another in a new or different light. They push each other's buttons without knowing why or how and recast themselves in childhood roles that never worked in the first place.
When they talk about their brothers and sisters, adult siblings locked into old patterns resort to a variety of emotional strategies. Some try to diminish the relationship (and their feelings) by emphasizing the importance of friends and spouses instead. Some speak with frightening venom as they describe the horrors of growing up under the same roof. Others become very analytical, piecing together all that went wrong between them, thereby detailing the impossibility of ever finding common ground. For most conflicted brothers and sisters, there is an underlying sense that "this is the way it's supposed to be."
Western culture has an obsession with sibling rivalry that began with the story of Cain and Abel and was elaborated by Freud, who labeled and dwelt on the competition between siblings for parental love and attention. It's colored our perception of sibship ever since. Therapists and lay people alike tend to view the relationship largely as one of struggle and controversy. We have no rituals that make, break, or celebrate the sibling bond. And family experts have underemphasized the sibling relationship, instead concentrating on parents and children and husbands and wives. Small wonder that sibling rivalry is accepted as the normal state of affairs.
Psychology Today, Jan/Feb 93
Last Reviewed 30 Aug 2004
Article ID: 1748
Friday, June 27, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
This article is about the human condition. For the Family Guy episode, see Sibling Rivalry (Family Guy episode). For the Doobie Brothers album, see Sibling Rivalry.
Portrait of Lady Cockburn and her Three Eldest Sons , by Joshua Reynolds.Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not.
82% of people in Western countries have at least one sibling, and siblings generally spend more time together during childhood than they do with parents. The sibling bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and people and experiences outside the family. [1] According to child psychologist Sylvia Rimm, sibling rivalry is particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender, or where one child is intellectually gifted.[2]
Sibling rivalry is not unique to Western culture. For example, there is an Arabic saying: "I against my brother; my brother and I against my cousin; I, my brother, and my cousin against the stranger".
Sibling rivalry can involve aggression; however, it is not the same as sibling abuse where one child victimizes another.
Contents [hide]
1 Throughout the lifespan
2 Causes
2.1 Psychoanalytic view
2.2 Evolutionary psychology view
3 Prevention
4 Animals
5 Famous sibling rivalry instances
5.1 In the Bible
5.2 In literature
5.3 In film and television
6 List of Sibling Rivalrys
6.1 In film and television
6.2 In video games
6.3 In Anime/Manga
6.4 In non-Biblical history
7 References
8 External links
[edit] Throughout the lifespan
From a young age, children are sensitive to differences in parental treatment.Sibling rivalry usually starts right after, or before, the arrival of the second child. The older child can become aggressive, “act out”, or regress (act more like a baby). Research indicates that the older child’s personality has the most effect on how they react to a new baby. Children with the closest relationships to their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born, while those with a close relationship to their father seem to adjust better. The child’s developmental stage may affect how well they can share their parents’ attention. Often two-year-olds have trouble adapting to a new baby, because they still have a great need for time and closeness from their parents. [3]
According to observational studies by Judy Dunn, children are sensitive from the age of one year to differences in parental treatment. From 18 months on siblings can understand family rules and know how to comfort and hurt each other. By three years old, children have a sophisticated grasp of social rules, can evaluate themselves in relation to their siblings, and know how to adapt to circumstances within the family. [1]
Sibling rivalry often continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents. [4] Adolescents fight for the same reasons younger children fight, but they are better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt and be hurt by each other. Physical and emotional changes cause pressures in the teenage years, as do changing relationships with parents and friends. Fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may increase in adolescence. [5] One study found that the age group 10 to 15 reported the highest level of competition between siblings [6]
Sibling rivalry can continue into adulthood and sibling relationships can change dramatically over the years. Events such as a parent’s illness may bring siblings closer together, whereas marriage may drive them apart, particularly if the in-law relationship is strained. Approximately one-third of adults describe their relationship with siblings as rivalrous or distant. However, rivalry often lessens over time and at least 80 percent of siblings over age 60 enjoy close ties. [1]
[edit] Causes
Two sisters meet for the first timeAccording to Kyla Boyse from the University of Michigan, each child in a family competes to define who they are as individuals and want to show that they are separate from their siblings. Children may feel they are getting unequal amounts of their parents’ attention, discipline, and responsiveness. Children fight more in families where there is no understanding that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts, and no alternative ways of handling such conflicts. Stress in the parents’ and children’s lives can create more conflict and increase sibling rivalry. [4]
[edit] Psychoanalytic view
Sigmund Freud saw the sibling relationship as an extension of the Oedipus complex, where brothers were in competition for their mother's attention and sisters for their fathers. [7] For example, in the case of Little Hans, Freud postulated that the young boy's fear of horses was related to jealousy of his baby sister, as well as the boy's desire to replace his father as his mother's mate.
Alfred Adler saw siblings as "striving for significance" within the family and felt that birth order was an important aspect of personality development.
David Levy introduced the term "sibling rivalry" in 1941, claiming that for an older sibling "the aggressive response to the new baby is so typical that it is safe to say it is a common feature of family life."[8]
[edit] Evolutionary psychology view
Evolutionary psychologists such as Robert Trivers and biologists such as W. D. Hamilton explain sibling rivalry in terms of parental investment and kin selection. A parent shares 50% of her genes with each child, and is inclined to spread resources equally among all children in the family. However, a child shares 50% of his genes with a sibling but 100% with himself; so if the relationship follows Hamilton's rule, he should only share resources if the benefit to the sibling is greater than twice the benefit to himself (this is not a conscious calculation, but a genetic coding that unconsciously guides the behavior). So parents try to encourage their children to share, but often meet resistance. Children have motivation to feel both positively and negatively towards brothers and sisters, which may explain the mixed feelings that siblings sometimes have towards each other.[6]
[edit] Prevention
Parents can reduce the opportunity for rivalry by refusing to compare or typecast their children, teaching the children positive ways to get attention from each other and from the parent, planning fun family activities together, and making sure each child has enough time and space of their own. [4] They can also give each child individual attention, encourage teamwork, refuse to hold up one child as a role model for the others, and avoid favoritism. [9]
However, according to Sylvia Rimm, although sibling rivalry can be reduced it is unlikely to be entirely eliminated. In moderate doses, rivalry may be a healthy indication that each child is assertive enough to express his or her differences with other siblings. [2]
[edit] Animals
Sibling rivalry is common among various animal species, in the form of competition for food and parental attention. An extreme type of sibling rivalry occurs when young animals kill their siblings. For example, a black eagle mother lays two eggs, and the first-hatched chick pecks the younger one to death within the first few days. Among spotted hyenas, sibling competition begins as soon as the second pup is born, and 25% of pups are killed by their siblings. [10]
Sibling relationships in animals are not always competitive. For example, among wolves, older siblings help to feed and guard the young.[11]
[edit] Famous sibling rivalry instances
Cain leads Abel to Death, by James Tissot.
[edit] In the Bible
The story of Cain and Abel tells of one brother's jealousy after God appeared to favour his sibling, and the jealousy ultimately leads to murder. Jacob tricks his brother Esau out of his inheritance; sisters Leah and Rachel compete for the love of Jacob; while Joseph's brothers are so jealous that they sell him into slavery.
[edit] In literature
A number of Shakepeare's plays displays incidences of sibling rivalry. King Lear provokes rivalry among his three daughters by asking them to describe their love for him; in the same play, the Edmund contrives to force his half-brother Edgar into exile. In The Taming of the Shrew, sisters Kate and Bianca are shown fighting bitterly. In Richard III, the title character is at least partially motivated by rivalry with his brother, King Edward.
In Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen), the sisters Elinor and Marianne Dashwood are in conflict with each other due to their different views on life and proper conduct. In East of Eden (John Steinbeck) the brothers Cal and Aron Trask are counterparts to Cain and Abel of the bible story.
[edit] In film and television
Sibling rivalry is a common theme in media that features child characters, reflecting the importance of this issue in early life. These issues can include jealousy on the birth of a new baby (for example, Dil and Tommy Pickles in The Rugrats Movie), different sibling roles such as troublemaker versus nerd (Bart and Lisa Simpson in The Simpsons), frequent arguments (Malcolm and Reese Wilkerson in Malcolm in the Middle), bullying (Linus and Lucy van Pelt in Peanuts), and tensions between step-siblings (The Brady Bunch Drake & Josh Life With Derek).
Adult siblings can also be portrayed with a rivalrous relationship, often a continuation of childhood conflicts. Situation comedies exploit this to comic effect (for example, Ross and Monica Geller in Friends and Raymond and Robert Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond). Sibling relationships may be shown as alternately loving and argumentative (Rose and Maggie in In Her Shoes). Brothers or sisters in a similar line of work may display professional rivalry (Frasier and Niles Crane in Frasier). In serious drama, conflict between siblings can be fatal (Michael and Fredo Corleone in The Godfather).
Portrait of Lady Cockburn and her Three Eldest Sons , by Joshua Reynolds.Sibling rivalry is a type of competition or animosity among brothers and sisters, blood-related or not.
82% of people in Western countries have at least one sibling, and siblings generally spend more time together during childhood than they do with parents. The sibling bond is often complicated and is influenced by factors such as parental treatment, birth order, personality, and people and experiences outside the family. [1] According to child psychologist Sylvia Rimm, sibling rivalry is particularly intense when children are very close in age and of the same gender, or where one child is intellectually gifted.[2]
Sibling rivalry is not unique to Western culture. For example, there is an Arabic saying: "I against my brother; my brother and I against my cousin; I, my brother, and my cousin against the stranger".
Sibling rivalry can involve aggression; however, it is not the same as sibling abuse where one child victimizes another.
Contents [hide]
1 Throughout the lifespan
2 Causes
2.1 Psychoanalytic view
2.2 Evolutionary psychology view
3 Prevention
4 Animals
5 Famous sibling rivalry instances
5.1 In the Bible
5.2 In literature
5.3 In film and television
6 List of Sibling Rivalrys
6.1 In film and television
6.2 In video games
6.3 In Anime/Manga
6.4 In non-Biblical history
7 References
8 External links
[edit] Throughout the lifespan
From a young age, children are sensitive to differences in parental treatment.Sibling rivalry usually starts right after, or before, the arrival of the second child. The older child can become aggressive, “act out”, or regress (act more like a baby). Research indicates that the older child’s personality has the most effect on how they react to a new baby. Children with the closest relationships to their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born, while those with a close relationship to their father seem to adjust better. The child’s developmental stage may affect how well they can share their parents’ attention. Often two-year-olds have trouble adapting to a new baby, because they still have a great need for time and closeness from their parents. [3]
According to observational studies by Judy Dunn, children are sensitive from the age of one year to differences in parental treatment. From 18 months on siblings can understand family rules and know how to comfort and hurt each other. By three years old, children have a sophisticated grasp of social rules, can evaluate themselves in relation to their siblings, and know how to adapt to circumstances within the family. [1]
Sibling rivalry often continues throughout childhood and can be very frustrating and stressful to parents. [4] Adolescents fight for the same reasons younger children fight, but they are better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt and be hurt by each other. Physical and emotional changes cause pressures in the teenage years, as do changing relationships with parents and friends. Fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may increase in adolescence. [5] One study found that the age group 10 to 15 reported the highest level of competition between siblings [6]
Sibling rivalry can continue into adulthood and sibling relationships can change dramatically over the years. Events such as a parent’s illness may bring siblings closer together, whereas marriage may drive them apart, particularly if the in-law relationship is strained. Approximately one-third of adults describe their relationship with siblings as rivalrous or distant. However, rivalry often lessens over time and at least 80 percent of siblings over age 60 enjoy close ties. [1]
[edit] Causes
Two sisters meet for the first timeAccording to Kyla Boyse from the University of Michigan, each child in a family competes to define who they are as individuals and want to show that they are separate from their siblings. Children may feel they are getting unequal amounts of their parents’ attention, discipline, and responsiveness. Children fight more in families where there is no understanding that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts, and no alternative ways of handling such conflicts. Stress in the parents’ and children’s lives can create more conflict and increase sibling rivalry. [4]
[edit] Psychoanalytic view
Sigmund Freud saw the sibling relationship as an extension of the Oedipus complex, where brothers were in competition for their mother's attention and sisters for their fathers. [7] For example, in the case of Little Hans, Freud postulated that the young boy's fear of horses was related to jealousy of his baby sister, as well as the boy's desire to replace his father as his mother's mate.
Alfred Adler saw siblings as "striving for significance" within the family and felt that birth order was an important aspect of personality development.
David Levy introduced the term "sibling rivalry" in 1941, claiming that for an older sibling "the aggressive response to the new baby is so typical that it is safe to say it is a common feature of family life."[8]
[edit] Evolutionary psychology view
Evolutionary psychologists such as Robert Trivers and biologists such as W. D. Hamilton explain sibling rivalry in terms of parental investment and kin selection. A parent shares 50% of her genes with each child, and is inclined to spread resources equally among all children in the family. However, a child shares 50% of his genes with a sibling but 100% with himself; so if the relationship follows Hamilton's rule, he should only share resources if the benefit to the sibling is greater than twice the benefit to himself (this is not a conscious calculation, but a genetic coding that unconsciously guides the behavior). So parents try to encourage their children to share, but often meet resistance. Children have motivation to feel both positively and negatively towards brothers and sisters, which may explain the mixed feelings that siblings sometimes have towards each other.[6]
[edit] Prevention
Parents can reduce the opportunity for rivalry by refusing to compare or typecast their children, teaching the children positive ways to get attention from each other and from the parent, planning fun family activities together, and making sure each child has enough time and space of their own. [4] They can also give each child individual attention, encourage teamwork, refuse to hold up one child as a role model for the others, and avoid favoritism. [9]
However, according to Sylvia Rimm, although sibling rivalry can be reduced it is unlikely to be entirely eliminated. In moderate doses, rivalry may be a healthy indication that each child is assertive enough to express his or her differences with other siblings. [2]
[edit] Animals
Sibling rivalry is common among various animal species, in the form of competition for food and parental attention. An extreme type of sibling rivalry occurs when young animals kill their siblings. For example, a black eagle mother lays two eggs, and the first-hatched chick pecks the younger one to death within the first few days. Among spotted hyenas, sibling competition begins as soon as the second pup is born, and 25% of pups are killed by their siblings. [10]
Sibling relationships in animals are not always competitive. For example, among wolves, older siblings help to feed and guard the young.[11]
[edit] Famous sibling rivalry instances
Cain leads Abel to Death, by James Tissot.
[edit] In the Bible
The story of Cain and Abel tells of one brother's jealousy after God appeared to favour his sibling, and the jealousy ultimately leads to murder. Jacob tricks his brother Esau out of his inheritance; sisters Leah and Rachel compete for the love of Jacob; while Joseph's brothers are so jealous that they sell him into slavery.
[edit] In literature
A number of Shakepeare's plays displays incidences of sibling rivalry. King Lear provokes rivalry among his three daughters by asking them to describe their love for him; in the same play, the Edmund contrives to force his half-brother Edgar into exile. In The Taming of the Shrew, sisters Kate and Bianca are shown fighting bitterly. In Richard III, the title character is at least partially motivated by rivalry with his brother, King Edward.
In Sense and Sensibility (Jane Austen), the sisters Elinor and Marianne Dashwood are in conflict with each other due to their different views on life and proper conduct. In East of Eden (John Steinbeck) the brothers Cal and Aron Trask are counterparts to Cain and Abel of the bible story.
[edit] In film and television
Sibling rivalry is a common theme in media that features child characters, reflecting the importance of this issue in early life. These issues can include jealousy on the birth of a new baby (for example, Dil and Tommy Pickles in The Rugrats Movie), different sibling roles such as troublemaker versus nerd (Bart and Lisa Simpson in The Simpsons), frequent arguments (Malcolm and Reese Wilkerson in Malcolm in the Middle), bullying (Linus and Lucy van Pelt in Peanuts), and tensions between step-siblings (The Brady Bunch Drake & Josh Life With Derek).
Adult siblings can also be portrayed with a rivalrous relationship, often a continuation of childhood conflicts. Situation comedies exploit this to comic effect (for example, Ross and Monica Geller in Friends and Raymond and Robert Barone in Everybody Loves Raymond). Sibling relationships may be shown as alternately loving and argumentative (Rose and Maggie in In Her Shoes). Brothers or sisters in a similar line of work may display professional rivalry (Frasier and Niles Crane in Frasier). In serious drama, conflict between siblings can be fatal (Michael and Fredo Corleone in The Godfather).
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